i peddle smut.

An open letter to the woman who stole the pussy pump last night…

Dear Customer,

Last night, you stole a Pussy Pump Plus from my store. You left the empty box on the shelf as a reminder of the merchandise we once owned. I know it was you because you were suspicious and quickly left the store after lurking around the section where the pussy pumps (yes, we have more than one) are located. Because I couldn’t catch you on camera, I couldn’t stop you, but I know and you know that I know that you are a pussy pump thief. 

I’m just curious, though: why did you steal it? Were you embarrassed? If so, you shouldn’t be - we’ve heard and seen it all. Are you just entitled? If that’s the case, then you just suck a lot at life. We’re a small business, independent and locally owned - don’t steal from us!

Also, I just wanted to let you know that the pussy pump you stole is a really shitty piece of merchandise. I hope you got it home, went to go pump that pussy and were really disappointed and realized what a waste of time it was to steal the toy. In fact, if you had tried to buy it, I would have talked you out of it and pointed you towards a better pussy pumping product.

Anyways, have a great day, and enjoy your stolen pussy pump!

Sincerely,

Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk

This is a store, not a dungeon.

My store is many things: we are a retail location (first and foremost), but we also provide education, therapy and entertainment to the masses. People come with questions about products or they just really want to talk to someone about a sexual problem they have. They come in to laugh, to gawk, to poke fun at the stuff we carry and hey, if that is what you want to do, don’t let me stop you - as long as you are treating the staff, customers and store with respect, I don’t care if you’re a tourist (that is, you just come in only to point and look at giant inflatable butt plugs). Since we are many things, I play many roles in the store: I am a retail associate, a sex therapist, a confidant, and a comedian. Although the store is many things and I play many roles there, we are not the following: a place to play out your fucking fantasies. I can (and happily will) sell you things to help you play out your fantasy somewhere else, but don’t do it in my store. Nothing makes me angrier at work than customers who don’t understand this.

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