i peddle smut.

Confession

Sun, 19 May 2013 21:45:00 -0400

One of my favorite things to do is look for seemingly innocuous things on tumblr and see how long it takes to turn into furry and/or infantilism porn.

Stupid Questions #1739

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 07:16:20 -0400

A woman came in looking for “tights.” Side note: In 5 years, I’ve learned that “tights” means everything from lacy ankle socks to actual tights. After asking some clarification questions (“What kind of tights?” “Do you want them sheer or not?” “All the way to your waist?” “Net or not?”) I realized she wanted thigh high fishnets (very common request). I told her this and pointed her towards the hosiery section. She looked at me quizzically: “What do you mean thigh high?”

I honestly didn’t know how to respond. It seems clear from the name of the item. They go up to the thigh. Thigh high, if you will.

Also, if one more person asks me if kegel balls (which have become wildly popular thanks to a certain trilogy of shitty “kinky” romance novels) will get stuck or “lost” inside of them, I’m going to start teaching anatomy classes.

I'm so sorry

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 22:58:59 -0400

I'm so sorry:

I’m so sorry for spending 62 hours rendering this shit I really am Created in 3Ds Max 2013. Simulated with RealFlow 2012 for around 10 minutes. Rendered with…

Falling dildos. It’s mesmerizing.

That's not clean, it's crusty.

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 09:49:24 -0400

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from 5 years of selling smut (edited to add: I originally typed “smelling”) is that customers are fucking geniuses when it comes to jury rigging items to fit their sexual needs. Customers tell me all the time of items they’ve “customized” - dildos they’ve cut down to fit handmade harnesses, lingerie they’ve altered, strap on harnesses they’ve torn apart and put back together, items they’ve created from everyday household items to practice different techniques on (see my post about the oral sex lady for on that). If someone has a specific sexual problem, s/he will go to great lengths to solve it and they really, really want to share their ingenuity and sometimes that’s gross.

A customer walked in a few days ago holding in her hand a suction cup tube that is familiar to me because it is used for clit pumping. It’s a small, clear cylinder about the length of my middle finger. The cylinder hooks up to a hand-operated vacuum pump and has a little release valve at the top for connecting the hand pump and releasing the pressure. Some women like to use these because pussy pumping increases sensitivity; others like the engorged aesthetic of a pumped up pussy. Our pussy pumps get stolen a lot. Transmen pump their clits in order to increase its size. Anyways, all that matters is that this customer was carrying a pussy pump when she came through the door and I couldn’t help but notice something about the tube she was carrying: it was crusty. I did my best to hide my horror and greeted her as she approached my counter. She gently placed the crusty clit tube on the counter in front of me. I forced a smile and asked how I could help her. She launched into her story.

“Well, my husband is a transgender and he hasn’t had bottom surgery and he uses this to pump himself up and I am looking for something he can wear over it so we can have a sexual relationship.” Yes, she said “a transgender”, this is not a turn-of-phrase I am used to hearing at the store, usually customers will say “transman” or “is transgendered.” It’s worth noting that FtM bottom surgery is pretty useless. She told me more about their sexual relationship and about other things they had tried and failed with in their search for a clitoris extension (so to speak).

Thinking quickly and wanting to get the crusty clit pump away from me as soon as possible, I explained we have penis sleeves - extenders and sleeves men wear over their penises in order to increase length, girth or firmness. The clit pump is small, but bigger than many natural dicks, so I figure it would work in that many of them would fit nicely over the cylinder. I showed her the penis sleeve section of the store. She thanked me, took the clit pump off the counter (thank dog) and stayed in the section for a few minutes.

A few minutes later, she came up to the counter carrying a few penis sleeve boxes.

“Can I try putting these over the pump to make sure they will work?”

Oh god. She wanted to take our merchandise out of its packaging and put it on her husband’s crusty clit pump.

“I can’t let you do that, I’m sorry.” I said, probably a little too forcefully. “You can look at the items out of the box but I can’t let you put them on the pump.”

“But it’s clean! I promise!” she whined.

Lady, I thought, that’s not clean, it’s crusty.

Observations.

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 00:43:09 -0400

1. If you have to ask where something goes, you probably don’t want to know. (Edited to add: you also probably don’t need to purchase it)

2. No exchanges or returns ever. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not return your used vibrator.

3. If a customer prefaces a question with, “I have a weird question,” it won’t be.

4. If the phone rings and it’s from a blocked phone number, you don’t want to take it.

5. I honestly have no idea how to spice up your sex life.

6. I honestly have no idea how to make your dick bigger.

7. I honestly have no idea how that is going to fit in there.

roseaposey: “Judgments”I took this last year, but in...

Sat, 02 Feb 2013 07:49:00 -0500

roseaposey:

“Judgments”

I took this last year, but in retrospect, I think it’s my strongest piece from high school.

Working on this project really made me examine my own opinions, preconceptions and prejudices about “slutty” women and women who choose to cover all of their skin alike. I used to assume that all women who wore Hijabs were being oppressed, slut-shame, and look down on and judge any woman who didn’t express her sexuality in a way that I found appropriate.

I’d like to think I’m more open now.

We sell a lot of lingerie at the smut store. The lingerie, generally, is marketed towards women and men who buy it for women (I tend to see the lingerie as very heteronormative, so we won’t get into same sex couples buying lingerie; additionally, we won’t discuss the men’s lingerie [which does exist, but is a much, much smaller percentage of our inventory and our sales]). Women use all sorts of adjectives to describe for what they are looking for when they come to the store to purchase lingerie: sexy, classy, provocative, romantic, lacy, strappy, flirty, “dominatrix-y” - the list goes on and on, but in five years, not I have never had a woman ask me for slutty lingerie with one exception: Halloween costumes. Apparently, it is okay to costume one’s self at Halloween as a slut, but not in one’s bedroom!

On the flipside, the movies we carry, which are generally marketed towards a male audience, refer to women as sluts (and whores and skanks, just to name a few derogatory words for “loose” women that appear on porn box covers) all the damn time - whether its right in the title or in the copy on the cover.

I thought it was an interesting observation.

Dicks shouldn’t have asses.

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 07:01:00 -0500

Dicks shouldn’t have asses.

Nothing says sexytimes like a pepto-bismol pink inflatable pig...

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 21:44:56 -0500

Nothing says sexytimes like a pepto-bismol pink inflatable pig mask.

Photo

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 23:18:40 -0500

This is my model.

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 23:06:00 -0500

A while back, a middle-aged man and his female friend strolled into my store. He was wearing a shiny, red satin button up shirt and similarly shiny pants. His female friend was very tall, very young, very thin and wearing a pretty terrific wig. They shopped in the lingerie for a while and I checked in on them after about 10 minutes.

“Do you guys need any help or have any questions?”

“Will this fit my model?” Mr. Shiny Shirt asked loudly while holding up a fishnet bodysuit.

“I don’t know. Who is your model?”

“This is Yolanda.” He gestured towards the tall girl. “She is my model.” I nodded.

“Yeah, I think that will fit her.”

“But how do you know?” Mr. Shiny Shirt sounded irritated.

There’s no way I can know for certain an item will fit someone, but I can make a pretty good guess. I explained to him that the fishnet bodysuits are one size fits most and Yolanda (aka: His Model) appeared to be within their suggested height and weight range. Mr. Shiny Shirt didn’t seem to really accept my explanation and wanted to know about our return policy (all sales are final) and if she could try items on (yes, but not the one he was holding). They continued shopping and frequently asked for my help in sizing. Yolanda tried on a few items. Mr. Shiny Shirt took her picture many times with a camera phone.

While helping them I learned Mr. Shiny Shirt was an entrepreneur and in addition to being a photographer he was also a women’s lingerie designer. You see, Yolanda (aka: His Model) was going to assist him with modeling the lingerie he designed. Yolanda, he assured me, was going to be the face of his brand. They were just in the store for ideas for his designs. His designs, he told me, would be very classy and sold on QVC. I don’t know about you guys, but for me nothing says classy sexy times like home shopping channels.

They left without purchasing anything. I’ve been waiting with bated breath for Mr. Shiny Shirt and Yolanda to appear on QVC to sell classy, sexy lingerie ever since.

Are you still working there? Will there be more updates soon? :)

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 22:55:34 -0500

Yes, I am. For some reason, they still haven’t fired me.

And yes, I have updates galore! I’ve just been incredibly lazy…I mean busy…except I mean lazy, really.

I know, I’ve been gone almost a whole year. Accept this oh-so-sexy inflatable bunny mask as...

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 22:21:00 -0500

I know, I’ve been gone almost a whole year. Accept this oh-so-sexy inflatable bunny mask as my apology, please.

The Best Qualifier Ever

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 21:54:00 -0500

We got a catalog in from one of our vendors. This vendor is known for selling a lot of strange (or, as they call them, specialty) items, including replicas of the genitals of different animals (including a whale). They sell, among other things, a “Realistic Horse Cock Replica.” We’ve never carried it (we have standards, people), but if you are curious it retails for about $75. Anyways, their catalog is as classy as you might imagine it being, and includes little reviews from customers along with pictures and descriptions of their wares. One of the reviews for the previously mentioned Realistic Horse Cock Replica said: “This is a great, realistic feeling, high quality toy if you are into horse cock replicas.” And that portion in bold and italics, my friends, is the best qualifier that ever existed.

Everyone Loves a Giant Fake Dick

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 01:00:00 -0500

The biggest, baddest dildos we carry come in heavy duty cardboard boxes. These fake dicks are 13+ inches long and as big around as my forearm. They have names like Blackballed and Rascal. They are heavy and usually made of questionable materials that smell like chemicals and air freshener. They’re terrible, but everyone loves them.

Men and women alike are drawn to them. Customers see the display of the large dildos (which we keep together for organization sake) and nearly run towards them like they are possessed. Then, they rip open the packages and pull out the giant dildos and wave them around, show them to their friends, laugh and then toss them aside. This happens again and again. The problem is that these customers literally rip the packaging open and no one wants a toy that appears to have been used - even if it’s just the toy packaging. In other words, no one wants a manhandled big fake dick but everyone wants to manhandle one.

Over time, the boxes start to look like they were damaged in freight or run over by a forklift or both. The poor, abused, damaged boxes sit on the shelves for months, years even. They are marked down again and again until finally someone buys them at some ridiculous markdown to “give as a gag gift” (there is almost always this explanation with the giant toys). To combat this, I’ve started taping the giant dildo boxes with packing tape to try to signal to customers don’t open this. I tape up the bottoms and tops of the boxes with multiple layers of heavy duty, clear tape. I thought I was being pretty clever with this. As it turns out, this hasn’t stopped anyone.

People are not assuaged by my attempts to keep them out of the boxes. They rip and pull and tug and pull out pocket knives to open the boxes. I see (or more often, hear) them and yell out “SIR!” They freeze. “If you want to see anything out of the package, I would be happy to help.” There is always a pause and a stammer. They want me to know the box was already open, they just wanted to see it, they were just curious. I get it, everyone wants to see the 14 inch black dildo. I try to explain it’s about safety and keeping the packages intact and in good repair. Customers seem to understand what I’m saying, but they just can’t get past the desire to see and handle a giant fake penis.

So, this is my request to you: stop destroying my fucking packages; just take a few deep breaths, try to control yourself and step away from the big black dildo.

I am standing at the counter on a slow Wednesday night at the adult store. I haven’t seen a...

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 18:03:00 -0400

I am standing at the counter on a slow Wednesday night at the adult store. I haven’t seen a customer in over an hour. I am bored. My coworker sits in the break room reading a book in her lap. She is also bored.

I gaze up at the security cameras and see a car pull into the parking lot - an older Lexus with big, shiny rims. A few moments later, the tooliest tool in the tool shed saunters in, wearing the toolbag uniform: distressed jeans and an Affliction t-shirt. By then, my coworker was standing at the other end of the counter. We were both a little excited to finally see someone other than each other. The customer made a bee-line for her.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he half-whispered, “do you know about…you know…sex parties?”

“Um, yeah,” she replied. My interest in this conversation was piqued.

“Well, you see, I just moved here from Miami.” He says Miami stressing each syllable, as if I’ve never heard of the place. “I’m looking to have some fun.”

My coworker looks at me for guidance. “I know what you’re talking about and I really don’t know what to tell you. We aren’t that kind of store, sir.” I say. “I can tell you where the strip clubs are and we have flyers for local fetish nights at some dance clubs…” I trail off, already able to tell what I’m telling him is not sufficient.

“I just want to have some fun,” he exclaims, “Come on, help me out.” He winks at my coworker.

She replies with some variation, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you.”

He rolls his eyes, pulls out his phone and starts pressing buttons furiously. He snatches some of the flyers off the counter and slams the door behind him on his way out.

“He was kind of hot,” my co-worker says after he leaves.

“He looked like a Valtrex prescription.” I reply.

Boobs shouldn’t have vaginas.

Wed, 22 Jun 2011 01:13:31 -0400

Boobs shouldn’t have vaginas.

@ipeddlesmut

Wed, 22 Jun 2011 01:04:55 -0400

@ipeddlesmut:

I just realized I’ve never mentioned this here: I have a twitter account. I call my tweets ‘twats.’ Please, follow my twats.

Before I tell this story, you need to know two facts about me: (1) I’m a girl and (2)...

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 22:05:00 -0400

Before I tell this story, you need to know two facts about me: (1) I’m a girl and (2) I’m white.

My favorite customer (no, really, he’s actually my favorite!) is a regular movie rental customer who I’ll call Paul. Why is Paul my favorite? Paul is nice, funny and friendly - someone I would like to befriend outside of the store. He’s also incredibly normal and not creepy. Whenever I’m working and he comes in, we always talk about all sorts of different things, none of them porn. I look forward to seeing him and worry when he doesn’t come around regularly. There’s nothing creepy or strange about him and he’s never been inappropriate towards me or any of my coworkers, he’s just a normal guy who likes to rent porn. Paul has been coming to the store as a rental customer for a little over a year. Paul and I didn’t start out on the best terms. In fact, the first time I encountered Paul, our exchange got a little strange.

Paul came up to the counter with his movies and our transaction was normal. I scanned his movies, told him his total and he gave me his money. I handed him his change and our hands briefly touched. He looked at me a little strangely and said abruptly, “You have really soft skin!” Uh oh, I thought, this normal transaction is quickly getting creepy. A somewhat startled “thank you,” was the only response I could come up with. He paused and I could see the look of realization come across his face that what he said was probably not the best thing to say to an adult store employee.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I was just surprised.”

“It’s okay,” I said.

He replied, “I just always heard white girls had rough skin.”

1-900-SMUT-STORE

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 22:46:00 -0400

Strange phone calls are an occupational hazard in my line of work. Along with the standard fare of legit questions (“What are your hours?” and “Where are you located?”) and prank calls from kids (“Do you sell….dildos?” *giggles*) exist the creepy calls. A certain group of men in this world are so lonely and emotionally stunted that they like to call adult stores and get their jollies, using us as a 1-900 number (I often wonder if they make the rounds in the Yellow Pages and just call every adult store listed, hoping for the best). Strangely, the same guys call week after week, always with the same story. They are certainly persistent, and most definitely creepsters. I wish I knew why they kept calling, it’s not like we engage them in their fantasy, we always hang up as soon as it gets creepy (or put them on perma-hold). Some just want to hear us say dirty words, but others want us to play into their fantasy. The creepy callers with the fantasies always have the same stories.

These guys are like ninjas. They call and block their phone numbers on caller ID. They start the phone call legitimately, asking real questions about our hours, website or inventory. They lure the employees in with normal seeming questions and then bam, they bring on the creepy.

1. Smoking Fetish Guy: Smoking Fetish Guy calls every few weeks and every woman I work with has encountered him more than once. He asks legit questions, generally asking what our hours are. Then, he asks if we carry Zippo lighters (we don’t). From there, he completely ignores anything you have to say and his line of questioning goes something like this: “Do you carry Zippo lighters?” “No, sorry.” “Do you smoke?” “No.” “How many packs a day do you smoke?” “I don’t sm…” * interrupting me* “What brand? What color are your nails painted?” At that point, I hang up the phone. I’m not quite sure how far he would take his questions. Once, after he asked if I smoked, I told him I didn’t have lungs and then hung up the phone. Honestly, Smoking Fetish Guy seems harmless enough. Of all the fetishes or stories I’ve heard from the creepy callers, his is the most tame.

2. Stepdaughter’s Birthday Dude: This guy creeps me out a lot. He used to call a few times a week, but we haven’t heard from him in a while (not that I’m complaining). His questions always start out about lingerie (“Do you carry school girl uniforms?”). Then, he asks if he can bring his stepdaughter into the store for her 16th birthday, which is always tomorrow. You see, he wants to buy her lingerie and her first sex toy. I always hang up here, so I’m not quite sure where else it would go.

3. I Have A Big Dick Man: He sounds like an older man who smokes heavily (maybe he and Smoking Fetish Guy should get together!). He has a heavy Southern accent. He calls and asks about penis rings but he needs one that is extra large because he has a giant penis. It’s really big! It’s like thirteen inches long and as big around as a woman’s wrist. These are his descriptors, not mine. He doesn’t really ask questions, he just wants to talk about his supposedly giant dick.

I’ve been getting calls from these three guys for three years. Part of me wants to know more about them - what is their story? What has driven them to call us week after week? A bigger part of me just wishes they’d stop calling.

It's my porn and I want it now.

Fri, 27 May 2011 13:02:00 -0400

Remember when I posted about who buys porn, anyway? If you don’t, it’s okay, I’ll wait here while you go catch up. As I mentioned in that post, one group of individuals who still buy porn from brick-and-mortar stores are collectors (aka: porn addicts). This is a story about one such individual.

George has been coming to the store for a few years now. I’m not sure how he heard about us or when he started coming in, but from the beginning he spent a lot of money on porn. And I mean a lot. Early on, he would come in and comb the stacks of movies and purchase upwards of a thousand dollars worth of porn in cash. We have some customers who will drop a hundred or more dollars in porn, but never have I seen anyone spend a grand just on porn. George changed that.

George started doing special orders when he realized we would help him find movies. We have a database that allows us to search for stars, titles and studios. We can also use online databases (like the Internet Adult Film Database - yes, it’s the IMDB of porn!) to look for movies, as well. He realized we had access to these things and we were willing to help. Since then, his expenditures on porn have just increased.

George is an older man who has a lot of money but doesn’t appear to be wealthy - he drives an old beat up Toyota Corolla and wears worn out, old clothes. He’s so cheap he won’t spring for a pair of bifocals and so to read, he wears 2 pairs of glasses. He is always polite, knows all of our names and about our lives and asks about us if he doesn’t see any one of us for a while (for instance, if he doesn’t see me for a few weeks he will ask how I am doing - and not just with me, but with all my coworkers). He also tries to tip us, which we never accept. He also offers to buy us food and drinks from neighboring restaurants to thank us for helping him. I’m not sure if George is lonely or if we just give him that great of customer service.

George is a challenging customer. He calls, repeatedly, to check on movies and stars. He becomes obsessed with certain stars and must own every movie they have ever been in, at whatever cost. He is needy. We make spreadsheets of movies for him so he can see the title, studio and genre of every movie whatever girl du jour has made. He has studios he prefers and genres he does not. He makes special orders of dozens of movies and pays extra to have them overnighted to the store. He calls every 30 minutes the following day to find out when they arrive. He gets pushy. Sometimes, he forgets the girls he has had us look up and we will remind him that we actually special ordered $1,200.00 worth of Gina Lynn movies for him six months ago. I worry about George sometimes.

So, I mentioned George has spent a lot of money on porn. “How much is a lot,” you might ask. Well, in the last year, George has spent upwards of $20,000.00 on porn. Yes, that’s twenty grand. Yes, that’s only on porn. No, I don’t understand either.

So, there you have it: George, the ultimate porn collector.