Porn Store Angst #1
I am not your personal porn shopper.
I have not seen all 8,000 of the movies we carry. I haven’t seen 100 of the movies we carry. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve seen 10 of the movies we carry. I know the stars because I’ve been working here for two years and I see their names over and over again. I know the studios for the same reason. Some titles are familiar to me because they are popular or memorable (it’s hard to forget titles like “Peeing Grandmas,” “Help! My Ass is Haunted!” and “Weapons of Ass Destruction”). I know what’s popular and I can find out what we carry through our computer database. That is where my porn knowledge ends. I cannot tell you if Big Black Poles in Little White Holes #3 is better than Mom’s Black Cock Anal Nightmare. All I can tell you is what we carry and how much the movie costs. I will not help you comb the stacks of movies we have to find the perfect movie for you. I will look for a specific title if you give me a specific title to search for, but I will not go through the entire All Female section to find the all-black, strap-on, oily-butt, all-female movie you desire.
We do not buy back movies. I don’t want your used porn and no one else does either.
We do rent porn, but you’ll need an account to rent a DVD. I need to see ID and a credit card to open an account for you. No, I will not bend the rules just this once, not even for you. If you don’t have an ID or a credit card, you’re going to have to buy a movie if you want to get porn here.
No one carries VHS porn. No one. Congratulations, you are the very last person on the planet with a VHS player and now you’re here, in my store, at my counter, looking for a video cassette tape. My great grandmother has a DVD player, for Christ’s sake. Seriously, the 21st century called and says you should invest in a DVD player. You can buy one for less than $20 at Wal-Mart. No, really, you can, I’ve seen them myself. And no, the owner of the store cannot special order VHS porn for you, no matter how much you ask, because it doesn’t fucking exist.
I cannot “cut you a deal” on the movies you are buying. There is no “bulk buying” discount - we are not Costco. If you buy 2 or 20 movies, the price is the same. I don’t order the movies, I don’t price the movies, I just sell them. If the sticker says $40, that movie is $40. If the sticker says $9.50, that movie is $9.50. Some studios have movies at a higher price than others. Usually, price reflects quality (or the novelty of the movie – fetish movies generally cost more, as do all-male movies) or quantity (a 5-disc set is generally going to cost more than a 1 disc movie), but not always. Again, this isn’t the flea market, so there’s no bargaining. This also isn’t Wal-Mart, so there’s no price matching. If Bob’s Adult XXX World down the street has this movie for $10 and we have it for $20, go there and buy it from Bob.
If you don’t like the movie, I don’t care. You wanked to it and now it’s yours forever.
Not every classic porn movie has been put on DVD. Many of the more popular classics have, but a lot of the lesser known classics have not made it to DVD and I have no idea when they will. Sorry, dude, but I promise there is a ton of modern day porn to tickle your pickle.
Please be specific if you’re looking for a particular movie. The following descriptions will not help me find a movie you are looking for: “It has a blonde girl in it, I think her name might be like…Jenna or something.” (There are approximately eleventy hundred stars in our database with the first name ‘Jenna’, approximately 90% of them are blonde), “I think the word ‘Anal’ is in the title.” (Well, that gets rid of about 1/3 of the movies we carry.), “I think the word ‘MILF’ is in the title.” (Oh, another 1/3 is eliminated), “It’s a Jenna Haze/Nina Hartley/Mr. Marcus/Some other big star who has made a ton of movies movie.” (Oh, because she hasn’t made fifty thousand movies), “It’s a West Coast Studios movie.” (oh, great, they have only released ninety thousand four hundred and twenty movies) The following will help me: exact titles (Examples: “Garden Ho’s” or “Granny Takes a Tinkle”) or exact star names (Examples: Belladonna, Lauren Phoenix, Lexington Steel).
I hope this helps you be a better customer. I’ll try to be a better porn clerk. Have a good day.
