May 2013
1 post
Confession
One of my favorite things to do is look for seemingly innocuous things on tumblr and see how long it takes to turn into furry and/or infantilism porn.
April 2013
3 posts
Stupid Questions #1739
A woman came in looking for “tights.” Side note: In 5 years, I’ve learned that “tights” means everything from lacy ankle socks to actual tights. After asking some clarification questions (“What kind of tights?” “Do you want them sheer or not?” “All the way to your waist?” “Net or not?”) I realized she wanted thigh high...
I'm so sorry →
I’m so sorry for spending 62 hours rendering this shit I really am Created in 3Ds Max 2013. Simulated with RealFlow 2012 for around 10 minutes. Rendered with…
Falling dildos. It’s mesmerizing.
That's not clean, it's crusty.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from 5 years of selling smut (edited to add: I originally typed “smelling”) is that customers are fucking geniuses when it comes to jury rigging items to fit their sexual needs. Customers tell me all the time of items they’ve “customized” - dildos they’ve cut down to fit handmade harnesses, lingerie they’ve...
March 2013
1 post
Observations.
1. If you have to ask where something goes, you probably don’t want to know. (Edited to add: you also probably don’t need to purchase it)
2. No exchanges or returns ever. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not return your used vibrator.
3. If a customer prefaces a question with, “I have a weird question,” it won’t be.
4. If the phone rings and it’s from...
February 2013
1 post
January 2013
6 posts
1 tag
This is my model.
A while back, a middle-aged man and his female friend strolled into my store. He was wearing a shiny, red satin button up shirt and similarly shiny pants. His female friend was very tall, very young, very thin and wearing a pretty terrific wig. They shopped in the lingerie for a while and I checked in on them after about 10 minutes.
“Do you guys need any help or have any questions?”
...
annafromcraigslist asked: Are you still working there? Will there be more updates soon? :)
I know, I’ve been gone almost a whole year. Accept this oh-so-sexy inflatable bunny mask as my apology, please.
January 2012
2 posts
The Best Qualifier Ever
We got a catalog in from one of our vendors. This vendor is known for selling a lot of strange (or, as they call them, specialty) items, including replicas of the genitals of different animals (including a whale). They sell, among other things, a “Realistic Horse Cock Replica.” We’ve never carried it (we have standards, people), but if you are curious it retails for about $75....
Everyone Loves a Giant Fake Dick
The biggest, baddest dildos we carry come in heavy duty cardboard boxes. These fake dicks are 13+ inches long and as big around as my forearm. They have names like Blackballed and Rascal. They are heavy and usually made of questionable materials that smell like chemicals and air freshener. They’re terrible, but everyone loves them.
Men and women alike are drawn to them. Customers see the...
July 2011
1 post
I am standing at the counter on a slow Wednesday night at the adult store. I haven’t seen a customer in over an hour. I am bored. My coworker sits in the break room reading a book in her lap. She is also bored.
I gaze up at the security cameras and see a car pull into the parking lot - an older Lexus with big, shiny rims. A few moments later, the tooliest tool in the tool shed saunters in,...
June 2011
4 posts
@ipeddlesmut →
I just realized I’ve never mentioned this here: I have a twitter account. I call my tweets ‘twats.’ Please, follow my twats.
Before I tell this story, you need to know two facts about me: (1) I’m a girl and (2) I’m white.
My favorite customer (no, really, he’s actually my favorite!) is a regular movie rental customer who I’ll call Paul. Why is Paul my favorite? Paul is nice, funny and friendly - someone I would like to befriend outside of the store. He’s also incredibly normal and not...
4 tags
1-900-SMUT-STORE
Strange phone calls are an occupational hazard in my line of work. Along with the standard fare of legit questions (“What are your hours?” and “Where are you located?”) and prank calls from kids (“Do you sell….dildos?” *giggles*) exist the creepy calls. A certain group of men in this world are so lonely and emotionally stunted that they like to call adult...
May 2011
3 posts
4 tags
It's my porn and I want it now.
Remember when I posted about who buys porn, anyway? If you don’t, it’s okay, I’ll wait here while you go catch up. As I mentioned in that post, one group of individuals who still buy porn from brick-and-mortar stores are collectors (aka: porn addicts). This is a story about one such individual.
George has been coming to the store for a few years now. I’m not sure how he...
3 tags
Ingenuity.
We often have couples who are regular customers and come in together. I get to know their names and about their lives - what they do for a living, if they have kids, where they are from and all that. One such couple comes in fairly regularly and often spends a reasonable sum of money on toys and movies. They are in their early 50s and married. The male part of the couple looks and sounds like Arlo...
3 tags
April 2011
1 post
4 tags
March 2011
2 posts
screaming-hypochondriacs asked: What's the weirdest question you've ever been asked during store hours?
2 tags
screaming-hypochondriacs asked: Do they have Charlie Sheen porn out yet? ;)
February 2011
2 posts
2 tags
2 tags
An open letter to the woman who stole the pussy...
Dear Customer,
Last night, you stole a Pussy Pump Plus from my store. You left the empty box on the shelf as a reminder of the merchandise we once owned. I know it was you because you were suspicious and quickly left the store after lurking around the section where the pussy pumps (yes, we have more than one) are located. Because I couldn’t catch you on camera, I couldn’t stop you,...
January 2011
3 posts
2 tags
2 tags
Common Adult Store Customer Mispronunciations,...
Dear Adult Store Shoppers,
This is a Hitachi:
This is a hibachi:
Please note the difference.
Sincerely,
Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk
3 tags
This is a store, not a dungeon.
My store is many things: we are a retail location (first and foremost), but we also provide education, therapy and entertainment to the masses. People come with questions about products or they just really want to talk to someone about a sexual problem they have. They come in to laugh, to gawk, to poke fun at the stuff we carry and hey, if that is what you want to do, don’t let me stop you -...
December 2010
1 post
3 tags
Who buys porn, anyway?
It’s the year 2010 (almost 2011…oh shit, I need to start my Christmas shopping!) and while we don’t have flying cars or robot maids (damn you, The Jetsons, for lying to me!), we do have the Internet! You probably know what it is, since you’re using it and all, and you also probably know what the Internet is for: porn. Don’t lie, I see what you have open in those other...
November 2010
4 posts
3 tags
2 tags
4 tags
An Open Letter From Your Local Adult Store Clerk →
I wrote this in October of 2008, 4 months into my employment at the adult store. Then, somehow, it made it to best of craigslist. Enjoy.
3 tags
October 2010
7 posts
The 10 People You Meet in the Porn Store
Where do you fit in?
1. The Virgin - She’s not necessarily a virgin in the never-had-sex sense, but she’s a virgin in the sense that she has never been in an adult store. Nearly everything sends her into fits of giggles or both shocks and awes her. She holds up items that seem pretty self explanatory (butt plugs and dildos) and asks, “What’s this for?” If she’s...
5 Observations From Working at the Porn Store
Surprisingly, “the #1 way to please your man” (a la Cosmopolitan magazine) is not listed.
1. The g-spot is the mythical unicorn of the vagina. Everyone wants to know where it is and how to find it.
2. People just don’t appreciate lube like they should. Also, lube spills are also an occupational hazard I encounter on a regular basis.
3. Given the amount of ‘how to’...
4 tags
I'm not touching that.
A woman called the store and said she was looking to replace a broken sex toy. Hilarity and unsanitary sharing ensued.
“Did you buy it here?” I asked. “I think so,” she replied. “When did you purchase it?” I inquired. Often companies have a 90 day (or longer) warranty on their toys so she could have it replaced by the manufacturer if the toy was a relatively...
3 tags
2 tags
Lingerie won't save your marriage
One of the lessons I’ve learned working at the porn store is that lingerie probably won’t save your marriage, but that won’t keep anyone from trying.
My store is roughly a third lingerie (so perhaps my tumblr account should not be ‘pornstorestories’ but instead ‘lingeriestorestories.’ You must admit that the latter just doesn’t have quite the same...
September 2010
4 posts
3 tags
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2 tags
Post Apocalyptic Porn Store
I often wonder if I could survive in the porn store, were there some catastrophic event trapping me there.
I would have to survive on nothing but gummy penises, chocolate body paint and whatever is in the employee fridge in the break room (which is usually nothing except 1,000 ketchup packets from McDonald’s, a few cans of soda and some questionable salad dressing that’s been in the...
3 tags
August 2010
4 posts
3 tags
Flintstones XXX Porn Parody →
I want to say this is getting out of hand, but I love the porn parodies just as much as everyone else.
3 tags
Tuesday New Release Tales
Today is Tuesday and you know what that means: Taco Night! No, wait, I mean it’s new release day!
This morning, I made my customers very upset because I was late opening the store so the new release customers couldn’t get their brand new rentals on time. I thought I was going to die. Actually, I knew I’d be fine, but I think the new release crowd who greet me every Tuesday...
4 tags
Why Tuesday is the best day of the week...
It’s Tuesday morning at the porn store. I arrive to open the store at around 9:40am and the store opens at 10:00am. There are already three cars in the parking lot when I pull in. Tuesday is not just the second day of the week. Oh no, at the adult store, Tuesday is a special day: it’s new release day.
On Tuesday mornings, we put out the new porn. Despite the fact that sales and rentals of...
4 tags
Porn Store Angst #1
I am not your personal porn shopper.
I have not seen all 8,000 of the movies we carry. I haven’t seen 100 of the movies we carry. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve seen 10 of the movies we carry. I know the stars because I’ve been working here for two years and I see their names over and over again. I know the studios for the same reason. Some titles are familiar to me...
